Saturday, June 26, 2010

Update: My Big Decision

Well, the update is that it has been a week I still haven't made a decision. At this point I am inclined to not send the letter. There are just too many unknowns for me. I'm not saying that I won't EVER mail the letter to my birth mother - but for now I am just not ready.

A big part of me really does want her to know that she gave my family the most incredible gift when she allowed me to be adopted. She gave me to the most incredible parents a girl could ever ask for - in a million years. And she made my Mom and Dad the happiest parents in the world. But, there is a part of me that feels it is arrogant for me to assume she wants to know. To assume that it is my right to barge into her life and make her deal with this all these years later. All who gave me advice on writing - I appreciate your words and support. But, we're all making an assumption that she wants to know anything about me. And while I feel that may be true - we may all be wrong.

I worry too that by my trying to do a good thing for her - in the long run I could end up hurting her. If she hasn't shared anything about me to her family, my letter could come as a shock and embarrassment to her. And, if she's thrilled to hear from me and wants to have a meaningful relationship with me - I could hurt her because I'm not sure what type of relationship I want.  There are just too many questions for me right now.

So, no letter or contact... for now. I've been waiting for a sign - waiting for a clear and unwavering decision to be made. It hasn't come yet. Maybe someday soon that will change. But, for now I'm letting it be.

1 comment:

Laura said...

When and if the time is right you'll know. Love ya!

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